I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face