Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
