Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.