you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.