the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.