my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”