I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah