The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.