I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Truth
Need this in my life lol
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Cndnsd Mlk
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Expect the unexporcupine.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.