I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
A small tragedy.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!