“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
