*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat