me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”