Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
look at me when i’m typing to you
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light