If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
