“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.