Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates