DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody