Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”