“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
this is 10/10 content no notes
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*