My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
pelicons
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
this country is so goddamn polarized
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.