For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.