Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.