*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.