weddings should have a worst man
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I love texting my boyfriend
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
