things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often