djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry