Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.