Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket