You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.