ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
HELP 😭
