It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Hit me in the face with a bird
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell