The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
