Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.