if you can鈥檛 find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 馃拃馃拃馃拃
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Listen I don鈥檛 wanna be bent over a balcony. I鈥檓 in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.