waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
dude it’s called proctologist
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”