My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one