Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*