I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.