Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.