ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.