before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?