A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
