Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Bobby pin
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.