(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.