I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.