What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
when someone rings the doorbell
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this