My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*