I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.