kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Well, shit
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it